Someone told me that a friend of hers asked her this while visiting her house. It shocked me to hear that someone would ask such a question in all seriousness. I know this type of parenting exists, but I suppose because I don't personally know anyone who abuses their children (uh, that I know of), I am still flabbergasted that a mother would ask another mother this question.
This is an extreme example of what you won't hear if you spend time with radical unschoolers.
If you've been moving towards radical unschooling, subscribing to email lists, poring over excellent sites like Sandra Dodd's or Joyce Fetteroll's, or even just contemplating unschooling (I recommend reading some John Holt books) but haven't been to a conference or met any unschoolers in real life, I highly recommend making an effort to do so. While reading online (and taking the time to contemplate the philosophy and trying things out) will get you pretty far, spending time with radical unschoolers will give you more clarity as you get to know families living a more trusting, peaceful and respectful (and let's not forget fun and learning-filled!) life. Aside from the national and regional conferences/get-togethers, there are local groups in numerous locations, or if you can't find any, start one yourself!
You also won't hear these said among radical unschooling parents (aimed at young kids):
- "When I count to 3... 1... 2... "
- "When we get home, you're going straight to time-out in your room."
- "Don't make me come over there..."
- "That's grown-up stuff."
- "If you get an A on the test, you can watch an hour of TV tonight."
- Excessive praise, the "Good Jobbing syndrome". (My favorite: a toddler girl tentatively pushing a train a couple of inches at a Barnes & Noble Thomas display, looking up expectantly at her mother, who enthusiastically responds "Good Pushing!!" Ack!)
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When our oldest was about 2 we had a doctor's visit that involved cleaning earwax and other unpleasantness...she was screaming and crying. The doctor told her he had a sticker for her, but first she needed to say she was sorry for yelling. "Um...no." As we were leaving (after telling him what for) he said "You're going to want to nip this in the bud. We used a wooden spoon when my kids were little. I guess I can't say that anymore." Time for a new doctor!
My mom was notorious for the "good jobbing syndrome". Actually, she still does it. The other day I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and she was like, "You're such a good girl!" It was confusing, because for one thing I am 23 years old, and for another I had cleaned the cabinets because *I* wanted them clean, not to seek approval or whatever. A lot of parents don't realize how patronizing it sounds (and I'm sure my mother was trying to be nice), but really, it comes across as "Wow, you can function as an independent human being! I'm stunned!" Or even worse, "You're good because you cleaned the cabinets!", meaning you were less good before you did it, or would have been less good if you had just watched a movie instead.
My dad once insisted we befriend a new family in the area because they homeschool (there's that 'you're all the same' assumption). When we got there, they were nice enough but on their fridge was a huge chart listing infractions (talking back, not cleaning room, etc) and how many smacks with a wooden spoon you'd receive for each. And it was depicted with cute little drawings of wooden spoons. How creepy is that?!?
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